A Special “TESTING TIMES” Feature
BREXIT for BREAKFAST
Did you know that many people confuse BREXIT with the word ‘BREAKFAST’, as did a Government Minister during a speech at this year’s Conservative Party Conference as well as a backbencher M.P. during the parliamentary debate in the House of Commons in November.
Perhaps this is where the concept of a Hard BREXIT and a Soft BREXIT comes from! Hard-Boiled Eggs and Soft-Boiled Eggs for breakfast/BREXIT? And perhaps many people voted with visions of a ‘full English breakfast/BREXIT’ with rashers of ham (to go with the rash decision by approx. 52% of the voters) and fried eggs (perhaps not sunny side up) and (as Cameron made a hash of the whole thing) a portion of hash brownies? And of course with real British sausages, not saucissons or Würstchen, i.e. going out with a banger and not being wursted!!
Another option would be a ‘Brown BREXIT’ or “Sweet BREXIT’ made of dairy milk chocolate - rather like the Kinder eggs made in Germany – with a big surprise inside!
The BREXIT Collocation Competition
In the ensuing months since the Referendum, many collocations of the word BREXIT have been suggested. Not only ‘Hard BREXIT’ and ‘Soft BREXIT’, but also ‘Black BREXIT’ and ‘White BREXIT’. Even ‘Grey BREXIT’ has been proposed, perhaps to reflect the fact that the result of the Referendum was to a large degree due to the grey-haired Be-Leavers who “wanted their country back”.
The latest colour collocation is a “Red, White and Blue” BREXIT – most probably a reference to the colours of the British flag, the Union Jack, although the spin doctors seem to have been completely oblivious of the fact that many other countries across the globe have flags with the same three colours, including the Netherlands (!), France (!!),the United States (!!!), and even Russia (!!!!).
TESTING TIMES invites readers to contribute their own suggestions for the BREXIT Collocation Competition to be printed in the next edition of this jocular journal. The first entries include:
‘Happy Hour BREXIT’ = BREXIT only applies three hours a day – with cheap drinks.
‘TESCO BREXIT’ = Every little helps! It will need to, especially for Marmite fans!
‘Boxing Day BREXIT’ = Every day of negotiation could be a boxing match.
‘April Fools BREXIT’ = That might have been a better date for such a referendum
‘Guy Fawkes’ BREXIT’ = The best way to deal with the politicians responsible.
One of the best comments on “BREXIT” came from a stand-up comedian at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival: “BREXIT sounds like a breakfast cereal for people suffering from constipation!”.
What’s in a Name?
Now that the BREXIT European Placement Test (which was a dismal failure) has proved to be in reality a DIS-Placement test, displacing not only hundreds and thousands of EU citizens and probably hundreds and thousands of British citizens from the other member states of the EU, but also Prime Minister Cameron.
Although many might not see this as a great loss – in fact it could even be seen as the only positive outcome of the Referendum, the question on which the jury is still out is whether his successor is a suitable person for the job.
On the principle of ‘nomen is omen’, the main issue is: How can a country like the United Kingdom appoint a Prime Minister whose name is a MODAL VERB! What is more, a MODAL VERB expressing UNCERTAINTY???. Would the French in 2017 elect a lead called Marine Le Peut-être? Will the Germans re-elect Angela Möglich?
It remains to be seen whether by 2020 both the voters and the country, should the UK then still exist in its present form, will be dismayed at the aftermath of the referendum results, and whether the British government will be ‘dis-MAY-ed’, the worst-case scenario being ‘Mayday’, ‘Mayday’, ‘Mayday’, especially as the confusion and chaos at present emanating from the British government can only be described as MAY-hem, or as somebody described it, a huge blob of MAYonnaise.
BREXIT = EX-BRIT
An interesting side effect of the BREXIT vote is the surge in the number of British citizens applying for dual nationality in other members of the EU. Hundreds of thousands of British passport-holders, who in the spirit of European integration have been resident and in employment in countries throughout the EU, and who furthermore were undemocratically excluded from participation in the Referendum, are now seeking a second passport to ensure ease of mobility, not to mention the duty-frees.
The Goals (and Own Goals) of BREXIT
BREXIT is not a new experience for English people – in fact, there has been a similar flop every two years for nearly a century. Whether it is the European Football Championships or the World Championships, British delegations have – with one exception – been excluded from success in the football single market, usually in the last few minutes of the game, as a result of penalty shoot-outs. The last occasion was in France just after the BREXIT vote, when Iceland consigned England to a second BREXIT – a Football-BREXIT! Two BREXITS in two weeks!
A number of overenthusiastic British football fans believe this is due to FIFA’s discriminatory policy of using the metric system throughout football, as a result of which British-born players misjudge the size of the goal especially when taking penalty kicks. The reverse effect was actually seen in Wembley in 1966, when a German player hit the bar (built to the British Imperial system of measurements) in extra time and failed to score.
NOMEN is OMEN
Given that both the initiation and the outcome of the Referendum was both the result of the Anti-European feeling in the Tory Party and the political in-fighting for the leadership of that party, it is worthwhile looking at the Tories and analysing the structure of their elected M.P.s. Research has revealed the party is full of:
Crema-Tories (those who are prepared to burn any bridges to achieve their aim)
Gyra-Tories (those who simply keep going round in circles, i.e. round the MAY-pole)
Innova-Tories (those with new ideas – an extremely tiny minority)
Lava-Tories (the unmention ables)
Manda-Tories and Regula-Tories (those who prefer the pro-wealthy leanings of the British judicial system to the worker-friendly judgments of the European Court of Justice/Human Rights)
Manipula-Tories (the contriving schemers behind the scenes)
Non-contribu-Tories (those without positive ideas – i.e. the great majority)
Obfusca-Tories (those who persistently confuse the issues by talking rubbish)
Purga-Tories (those who make life hell for most of the British population)
Supposi-Tories (those whose idiotic ideas should be inserted in the appropriate aperture)
And, of course, there is Boris Johnson, the absolute declama-Tory with the most ambiguous initials, who is on the constant search for models for new trade agreements, such as the Norwegian model, the Swiss model, the Canadian model, but who according to unconfirmed sources may have misunderstood the word ‘model’, which is possibly due to his new responsibilities for ‘Foreign Affairs’ and which could then possibly prove embarrassing for the British Government.
QUO VADIS BREXIT and EU?
After the BREXIT vote, it is generally expected / hoped (?) that many other EU countries will follow the BR-example given by the UK. In particular,
Prague will presumably check out
Warsaw will aim for a new Pole Position
Bratislava and Ljubljana will begin a European Go Slo
Vienna will initiate OUTstria
Rome will follow with Italeave
Brussels will remove Manneken Pis = P-Off
Lisbon will de- or ex-PORT-ugal
Copenhagen will dis-Dane the EU
Helsinki will definitely start the FINN-ish
Paris could take French leave signed with Le Pen.
Dublin might try to correct their Eire in joining the EU
Luxemburg will avoid and evade in their usual taxing way
There might be a CYP-Riot in Nicosia
Berlin will go one step further than BR-EXIT with a BRD-EXIT
Amsterdam might get Wilder and really go Dutch
And then only Bucharest will Remain-here.